Ëå§têrñ $pîrìt Pąçk

A pack hidden in the deep forest of Appalachian Mountains.
 
HomeCalendarFAQRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 White Wolves Haven (WWH)

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Yakone
Admin
avatar

Status : Administrator
Posts : 145
Join date : 2012-11-27
Age : 19
Location : Narnia

PostSubject: White Wolves Haven (WWH)   Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:09 pm

This is a book I am writing, I need you guys to tell me what you think! I need all the proof-reading I can get.

The rain soaked Jade's fur as she dashed through the forest. Her breath quickened and glanced back, seeing they was still chasing her. She blinked water out of her eyes and she stretched her exhausted wings and took off into the sky. She glanced back, the Pink-Furs was gone. She swooped down towards the den where her and her pack, Feather Pack, lived. She shook her drenched fur, Particles of water flying everywhere, and padded inside. Her brother, Crow, Sat in a corner talking with Wing. Her deep blue glacial orbs scanned them, and then turned and met her father's challenging eyes. “Where is the kill you was supposed to bring?” “I-I...” Well?!” Her father demanded, Scar was a very persistent wolf. “Those Pink-Furs father, They flew in their big bird and tried capturing me.” Scar's orbs suddenly filled with terror and guilt mixed together. “I'm sorry I yelled Jade. Just... What were they doing here?!” “I'm sorry Father, I don't know. But we need to keep the gua..” Her silky voice was cut off by a bone chilling howl. The sound of a big bird pounded in her lobes, and she swiftly moved to help get the pups out. She looked around for Wind, And saw her and Fire. She ran for them and stuck close, She couldn't lose her friends. “Do not take to the skies!” Her father called, But it was too late. The wolves had already extended their limber wings and reached for the skies. “Father, Mother, Crow, Wing. Come with me.” She let her father lead the as they ran into the forest. They crossed the pale river and then flew into the sky. As they trudged along, It was loud with silence. Wind and Fire was close together and Crow and Wing was together. Ash flew up beside her and grinned, “Hi there.” “Hey.” Jade replied gently. “Do you know where we are headed?” Ash interrogated Jade. Jade retorted, “We are headed for Tree pack. We are going to search for a place to sleep there.” Suddenly, Her father swooped to the ground and landed, Placing each paw carefully. “Let's hope we don't get ripped to shreds,” Ash said without thinking, And Jade whirled on him. “Is this the time to be joking around? We just lost our pack, Our family! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!” She stalked off and caught up to her father. They walked silently inside the camp and headed straight for Raesik's den, The Tree pack Alpha. “Well Scar? What do you need now?” His deep voice boomed around them. “Jade, Take the others outside.” Scar's voice came from his clenched mouth. “Yes Father.” She lead them outside and sat with Wind and Fire. “Hey.” “Hey Jade.” Wind welcomed her in a friendly tone. Jade turned and looked around. This camp was so much different from her home. She spotted Raesik's son, Jay, walking towards her. His muscles pushed through his soft pelt, And he had a Blue feather behind his ear and Blue tipped feathers. His voice was like falling into clouds, “Hello. You must be Jade, I'm Raesik's Son, Jay.” He nodded to her. Jade smiled at him, “Nice to meet you.”
Back to top Go down
http://easternspiritpacky.forumotion.com
Xyne

avatar

Status : Moderator
Posts : 25
Join date : 2012-11-27
Age : 18
Location : Mississippi

PostSubject: Re: White Wolves Haven (WWH)   Sun Dec 09, 2012 12:42 am

Quite nice! Although, you did miss a few things in proof reading. These are just in my opinion, however. If this is the way you say them, then keep it! Just sharing my opinion.

She glanced back, the Pink-Furs was gone.
It's supposed to be "were"

Wind and Fire was close together and Crow and Wing was together.
It's supposed to be "were"

“Do you know where we are headed?” Ash interrogated Jade. Jade retorted, “We are headed for Tree pack.
"Headed" is "Heading" formally.

His muscles pushed through his soft pelt, And he had a Blue feather behind his ear and Blue tipped feathers.
"And" shouldn't be capitalized, "Blue" shouldn't be capitalized, and "and" is making it a bit of a run-on sentence, so i would replace it with "with"

His voice was like falling into clouds,
Replace "," with "."

Jade smiled at him,
Replace "," with "."






_________________
~Xyne~
{Light of the Dark}


Back to top Go down
Yakone
Admin
avatar

Status : Administrator
Posts : 145
Join date : 2012-11-27
Age : 19
Location : Narnia

PostSubject: Re: White Wolves Haven (WWH)   Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:21 pm

Thanks for the proof reading!
Back to top Go down
http://easternspiritpacky.forumotion.com
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: White Wolves Haven (WWH)   

Back to top Go down
 
White Wolves Haven (WWH)
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» The Duatar Pack [ Pick & Play, Plenty Open ]
» The Unbreakable [Pick and Play]
» ^ Twilightstars ^ Wolves
» wolves of the forest
» St White's Festival - 2009

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Ëå§têrñ $pîrìt Pąçk :: OOC~ (Out Of Character) :: Share your Artwork and Poetry/Stories/Writings Here!-
Jump to: